We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
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Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver