Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
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We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.