Do not steal food from the science building!
You Might Also Like
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.