My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
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My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
This hospital has everything
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.