me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
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Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Sing it!
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.