Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
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This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
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4.
5.awesome
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line