[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
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“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol