Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
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Saw your ex at the shops
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*