[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
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alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Give a baker flours on your first date.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I forgot how to panic. Help