1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
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[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.