Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
You Might Also Like
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
“OMGJK” -atheists
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*