flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
You Might Also Like
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..