Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
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My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.