Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
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I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Nice try, poison.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”