Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
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Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great