“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
You Might Also Like
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Great acting.. 😂