My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
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I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.