I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
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I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.