The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
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[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Pass gas, not judgment.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open