Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
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“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere