Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
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People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.