They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
You Might Also Like
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Bless you
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.