If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
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The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
A little too much information.