Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
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defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.