Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
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All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
new shirt idea
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.