[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
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the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell