*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
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me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Adultry does not sound fun at all
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say