Me, scrolling to find my birth year
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I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Nothing.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?