Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
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For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.