If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
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McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
181.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Well, this explains it:
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.