14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
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A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm