Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
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I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.