These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
You Might Also Like
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.