Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
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My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Meow