I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
groan^2
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Just ordered me some pizza!
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little