“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
You Might Also Like
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
just got my engagement photos