Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
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“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
He-man has a Masters degree
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”