*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
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I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old