I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
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4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
the Monday after daylight savings
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Love is in the air fryer.