Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
You Might Also Like
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.