I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
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I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume