Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
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The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I’m tired tomorrow.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?