one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
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The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.