We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
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War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
constantly working on myself.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car