DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
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That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*