Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
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bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken