No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
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Who comes up with this kinda stuff
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.