APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
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i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again