[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
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hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
who did the taste test?
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
The news is so predictable nowadays
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.