[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
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You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years